The business surrounding the closing of an estate can quickly go from frustrating to just plain bizarre, and finally, to something downright kafkaesque. The first example of this for me was when I got a notice from Dad's health insurance saying that they were denying his claim for ambulance service on the day he died. I'm not sure how calling an ambulance for a dying man fails to qualify as a medical emergency, but I'm going to have to call Blue Cross to find out and I don't really have the wherewithal to be proactive about that right now. I figure if the ambulance people in Dad's town can't squeeze it out of his insurance, they can fight with them.
But the real ringer is the Saga of the Max Steiner At the Movies CD from one of the little companies that sell through Amazon.com, www.caiman.com. I'm warning you: do not buy anything from these people, if they are people. I'm half convinced at this point that it's a bad computer program, or someone who does not speak English who's been provided with a script from which they are not to vary. Here's how it goes:
A month or so before Dad died, I bought him a CD he wanted, Max Steiner At the Movies. I paid for it with his credit card; it was shipped and arrived. He hadn't even unwrapped it before he died, so I gave it to the library along with what was left of his and Mom's collection of CDs. Earlier this week, I got the following message from Caiman:
Your order has just been shipped from our distribution center. Shipments are expected to arrive within 4-14 business days. I have added your packing slip below. Again, thank you for your order. We hope you will enjoy it and do business with us again soon. Don't hesitate to contact me by email at Claire@caiman.com .
Sincerely,
Claire
Caiman, Customer Service
Just in case I'd been hallucinating (always possible in situations like these), I checked my order history. Sure enough. The CD had been shipped and arrived in August, the month my Dad died. His credit card had also been paid off and canceled that month. As far as I was concerned, we were square. so I wrote back: "I already received this order in July, and what you're sending now is going to the wrong address."
Maybe this was not clear enough. I can admit that. Claire replied by repeating Dad's order and address back to me. I replied: "Yes. All correct. And received in July. Louis has now passed away and there is no one to receive that package and the credit card it was ordered on is no longer valid."
Still maybe not clear enough, I guess. My bad. Claire replied: "Once the item is received we will issue a refund. We apologize for the inconvenience." Okay, I thought. I'll break it down for her. I'll lay it out step by step, so there's no question about what's going on, with a little added sarcasm, just because that's who I am:
Dear Clair (I wrote)
Are you actually reading anything I've written to you?
As I stated below, there is no one at the house to receive the package, and I am not flying 700 miles from New York to Michigan to rectify your mistake. This is a duplicate of an item already received and I'm not quite sure how you charged a credit card that was canceled in August. I am not responsible for the final fate of this item. I would suggest you call the shipping company and have them return it to you.
Claire was undaunted. "We cannot issue a refund until we receive the item back," she insisted in the reply. The fact that I hadn't paid her any money didn't seem to matter. Regardless, I'm still not flying to Michigan to get a $21.45 refund, sans shipping and handling.
I gave it one more shot, in the simplest and clearest terms I could muster. By now, I was ready to cry or scream, I wasn't sure which. And I was also pretty sure Claire was either a text generator, or a moron.
One more time (I wrote again):
This item was ordered in July 2005 and received in August 2005. The item you are shipping now is an unordered duplicate which I have not been charged for because the card given on the original order was canceled in August upon the death of the primary cardholder and original recipient, Louis Kottner. I did not order the duplicate. You have not charged me because you do not have a valid credit card number. I do not owe you and have not paid you any money for this duplicate item. The original is already paid for and received. The item you are shipping now is going to house 700 miles away from my address. What happens when your package arrives at that house is not my problem and it looks to me like you are going to have to write off the cost and shipping and handling for a CD I did not order from you. Tough luck.
I am forwarding this correspondence to Amazon's customer service.
And I did. What I really wanted was a phone number so I could exercise a little New Yawker attitude on this complete and utter idiot, but all I could do was send the correspondence off to Amazon with the helpless note that I was hoping they could make some sense of what was happening here. Why was I caught in this absurdist, dada correspondence? Why me? Why? Help me Amazon!
I thought that might be the end of it. I hoped. I nearly prayed (but that seemed too trivial a problem to bother God with). In trepidation, I checked my mail a couple of times during the following day (today). Nothing from Claire. I had escaped! There was an end to the matter. Perhaps my sarcasm and careful outlining of the situation had finally gotten through to her. Maybe all those years grading freshman papers had actually paid off in honing my skills in communicating with dimwits. (Sorry, that was harsh. I loved my freshman comp classes. Really.)
Then I got home. Two notes from Claire scuttled into my box like little cockroaches, just when you think you've seen the last of them. My suspicions about Claire's intelligence or lack thereof were only confirmed.
Dear Customer,
Yes your order was shipped on 11/01/2005 At the Movies [SOUNDTRACK] [Audio CD] Max Steiner STANDARD US Postal Service. It usually takes 4-14 business days.
Regards,
Claire
Customer Service
It was the "yes" that did me in. "Yes" what? That the order was shipped was never in question. Why it was shipped was the problem. What could I do but start to cry, which is what I usually do when I'm frustrated. I opened the second message, eyes blurry with tears.
Dear Customer,
At the Movies [SOUNDTRACK] [Audio CD] Max Steiner
Unfortunately we were unable to cancel your order since it was shipped. However you may return the item minus the shipping and handling. Please contact us for further instructions to return the item once it has been received.
Sincerely,
Claire
Customer Service
Could it possibly be that I was back to square one? ARGH! as Charlie Brown would say. Not one to let a mere droid have the last word, I fired this off mere minutes ago:
Let's be clear about this. It was not my order. My order was received and paid for months ago. The current shipment was your mistake. I am not getting on a plane and going to Michigan from New York to retrieve your mistake. I am not paying you for it, and I am not paying the shipping and handling. What part of this are you having so much trouble understanding? Furthermore, I am never buying anything from you ever again, and believe me, I'll be happy to tell everyone I know not to as well, because your customer service is nonexistent. What happens to the mistake you made is not my responsibility. Please do not contact me again.
Perhaps this will be the last word. Perhaps I can lay Max Steiner to rest now with my dad (who would undoubtedly say something like "what the hell's wrong with these people?" and fire off his own pithy, sarcasm- and expletive-laden note if he could hear this story).
Maybe I'll just take it out on the customer service rep at Blue Cross.
Comments