Shopping at 26,000 Feet

One of the dubious pleasures of air travel is perusing the SkyMall catalog, which is always in the seat pocket in front of you, next to the instructional booklet that tells you how to deplane in the event of a water landing. I assume that the SkyMall catalog was conceived by some marketing executive who realized, correctly, that most Americans were deeply uncomfortable knowing that they would be trapped for two to three hours in a plane and not have the opportunity to shop, which is, after all, the entire reason for being human.

The SkyMall catalog is amusing not only because it exists (its existence is really more depressing than amusing, but let's not pursue that line of thinking), but because it offers such idiotic stuff. American capitalism is often insane, but the SkyMall catalog takes insanity to new heights. In the world of SkyMall, everything is a need that must be met imediately, even if you're cruising at 26,000 feet. On extended travel and won't be home for three weeks? Doesn't matter! When you finally get there, your new idiotic merchandise will be waiting for you! SkyMall does not offer immediate gratification, but like travel, it offers you the promise of something to come. THis may the reason for its success. (Or what I assume is its success. Somebody must be ordering all the stuff from the catalog because I've seen it in airline pockets for decades now.)

My favorite game on a plane, after I've determined which exit is appropriate for my row, keeping in mind that the nearest exit may be behind me, is deciding what product in the SkyMall catalog is seriously the dumbest product ever conceived. There is a always lively competition for the honor. Here are the runners-up from my recent travels:

Chewy Edge Brownie Pan. If you like the chewy edges of brownies--nay, cannot possibly live unless you eat only the chewy edges on your brownies--then this is the cooking implement for you. It looks like an ordinary brownie pan, but wait! There are edges built into the interior of the pan, so it looks a bit like a labyrinth. More important, every brownie you bake will have chewy edges and no undercooked centers. From the Solutions catalog ("Products that make your liefe easier" [registered trademark]).

Solutions is a bizarre catalog, featuring poducts that are theoretically solutions to problems. In reality, the "problems" that the solutions "solve" aren't really problems at all. Do people seriously lie awake at night obsessing about the problem of having a pan of brownies, not all of which have chewy edges? The Solutions catalog, rather, observes a fact (when you bake brownies, the edges will be chewier than the middle part) and then redefines it as a problem that must be solved with a product. This is a depressing way to conduct one's life.

Foam Pool Chair, which touts the virtue of supporting you in "cool comfort" with your head above water so that your hair doesn't get wet. It would seem to me that if you didn't want your hair to get wet, perhaps you should not be in the pool. Another winner from Solutions (problem/fact: when you are in a pool, the chances of getting wet are increased).

Another pool product is the combination Pool Seat and Floating Bar. This inflatable thing has both seats and inserts for cups, iced drinks, and snacks, so "you don't have to run inside for refreshments." From the Collection, "going beyond the ordinary." Not to mention the sane.

Theater-Style Popcorn Cart. Apparently, making popcorn in a pan is old-fashioned and no fun at all. Why not have a popcorn cart just like the ones you see at the theater? The $250 price, for one, not to mention the fact that a frying pan and lid are far, far easier to store. Also from Collection.

Scuba Snorkel Fin Shoes. These snorkel fins have a special "hinged flip fin" so that the fin itself flips up, allowing you to walk normally while wearing them. I can't imagine how much time scaba divers spend walking while wearing their fins, but generally I would think that they would wear the fins in the water rather than out of it. From The Greatest Gift (" . . . is to help others help themselves." This trademark phrase makes me feel that I must order from this catalog as a benevolent act toward humankind.)

Pet Doorbell. Just what it sounds like; you train your pet to ring his own doorbell and avoid unslightly scratches on the door. Appently, training your dog or cat to bark or meow is just so old-fashioned, whereas the Pet Doorbell is just modern and revolutionary. Also from The Greatest Gift.

"Zombie of Montclair Moors" Sculpture. This garden sculpture is a realistic zombie, clawing his way out of the ground. Just what I'd like next to the daylilies. From Design Toscano, a company which specializes in garden sculpture. You can also get a set of meerkats or a Yeti/Bigfoot or a "Peeing Boy of Brussel"s sculpture for your backyard if you're so inclined.

Pet Crate End Table. This product proves that "a pet crate can be attractive" because it doubles as an end table. I so do not even begin to understand this product. From Improvements.

Electronic Paper Towel Dispenser. Has tearing off a paper towel from its upright holder and not having it tear at the perforation just infuriated you? Let your anger go! Blithely wave your hand at this electonic marvel, and it will electronically dispense one sheet at exactly where the perforation is. "No more wasted paper towels!" Not surprisingly, from Collection.

Mascara Warmer and Eyelash Curling Iron Combo. Warm mascara is easier to apply. Who knew? (And it's a delicious dessert topping!) From Collection.

Bra Baby Ball. This is a plastic ball into which you insert your bra to "protect" it "in the washer and dryer." Protect it? From what? Invading Cossacks? From Collection.

Stainless Steel Wallet. It's the only one, according to the advert, and I have no reason to doubt this; could two people possibly have thought this was a necessary product? It's made out a stainless steel fine mesh so it's actually flexible, and it's "resistant to salts, acids, and seawater," which would make it a fine companion to the Scuba Snorkel Fin Shoes an/or the Pool Seat and Floating Bar. This is from Hammacher Schlemmer, a longtime retailer of expensive and loopy products for rich people.

"Keep Your Distance" Bug Vacuum. An insect vacuum so you can suck up bugs ("suctioned by a 22,400 rpm motor") from two feet away, which then transports the bug to an electoic grid in the handle that "instantly kills the pest." (As if being suctioned up by a 22,400 rpm motor wouldn't do the job.) Flyswatters are just so yesterday. From Hammacher Schlemmer.

PupStep Plus. This is a doggie staircase that allows Fido to climb up onto the couch without jumping. Training a dog to not get on the couch in the first place is apparently un-American, and only Americans would feel the need to provide assistance. (There's another PupStep  in the catalog that converts into a flat surface ramp for the little canine fatty that finds stairs too strenuous.) From Improvements.

I've yet to see anybody on a cell phone calling up SkyMall ("Yeah, three Electic Martini Stirrers. Can you deliver them to my hotel n Reykjavik? Do you take Visa?"), but somebody must be buying this stuff. In all fairness, the SkyMall catalog is infinitely more amusing than the pamphlet that tells you the special features of your aircraft or the in-flight magazine that recounts all the best restaurants in the airline's hub city that you're not going to. But that's not saying much. SkyMall strikes me as one of the most authentically American publications in existence, and I'm not sure how I should feel about that.

Comments

[Lee Kottner]

Hmm, this seems not to have posted the first time, for some reason. Anyway, in general, I couldn't agree more about the absurdity that is Skymall, but let me enlighten you about the Bra Baby Ball. You learn to appreciate something like this when you're forced to pay anywhere from $25-$75 for one decent piece of very necessary underwear only to have to handwash it whenever you wear it or risk having it beaten to death in the washer or dryer, even on the gentle cycle. Washing a bra in the washing machine is not like washing a jockstrap, believe me: underwires, lace, satin and other delicate fabrics, and LOTS of elastic. Not to mention those hooks that catch on everything and are easily ruined. It's a significant investment and if you don't want to handwash every one you own, this is the perfect solution.

But that bug vac? Obviously for the PETA people who think the President shouldn't have swatted that fly on national TV.

[Rob]

I retract my statement about the Bra Ball. I had no idea that this was a valid idea, or that bras were so expensive, having never had the occasion to buy one. (Jockstraps I know.) My apologies.

Bras really can cost $75.00? I suppose that precise engineering doesn't come cheap, but $75.00?? Wow.

[Liam Manchester]

Robert , just loved your article. We here at DesignToscano.com got quite a chuckle from it and have a copy up on our companies call center wall. Our Zombie, which I had a hand in creating, has been a hit all over the world. My fellow Europeans just love him to death...so to speak. In my home town of London, the word Zombie has come to mean someone who has taken leave of his house payments, which sorry to say everyone has seen a lot of. I see that you have a love for Renaissance and Medieval, On our home site we have many pieces of direct historical sculpture that you may enjoy. We even were given direct permission to copy the Historical Gargoyle of Notre Dame, Paris.

http://www.designtoscano.com/product/code/os69017.do

Also here is one of my bestselling works its called The Dweller Below Garden Sculpture

http://www.designtoscano.com/product/code/ng33392.do

So I just wanted to drop you a line, Keep up the nice work

Cheers!

Liam Manchester
Design Toscano
Master Sculptor